claira_chan

"Do you reckon when the sofas arrive you'll spend more time in the lounge?"

"No, not really"

"...That's sad"


She's only my Dad's girlfriend but she still has this condescending way of making me feel insignificant.
Like I'm just this little loner sitting in my room 24/7.
Never mind the fact that I've only just got in after seeing my friends.
So what if I'm "sad"?
I like my room, it's comfy and full of the junk that makes me feel at home.
I like sitting here, on my bed, slobbing out with my laptop.

If that's what makes me "sad".
Then so be it.

I'm lovin' life.
I got my boy - who's finally getting better after having a blockage removed from his throat.
I got my old friends - who're finally showing their true colours, and reminding me who I should give up on.
I got my new friends - who are all as insane as me.
I got my college - which is fucking awesome.
And I got my new me.

Going to a new college, where no one knows you is amazing.
You can completely reinvent yourself.
I know it seems like some charade, but it's a good charade.
I have the confidence to be blunt about things.
I have the confidence to actually talk to people and make new friends.
I have the confidence to be the person I kept hidden for so long.

I think I'm finally dropping some of my old traits that I hated so much.
I love it.


And okay, to you, if you want to be childish and bitter, I don't mind.
(That's not supposed to sound as harsh as it does).
What I mean is, I can put up with you disliking me, I just can't handle you downright hating me and calling me a cunt at every opportunity you get.
I actually want us to put aside our differences and be friends again?
It won't be like it was before, I can understand that.
But we could try?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1H8VFRxfp7A
 

Okay, so apparently that was all bullshit.
So, why?
I get that you probs hate me for the whole Conrad/Joe thing

But, I'm fed up with this now, I don't hate you.
In fact, I used to have a really big thing for you.
So, Idk..

I want to sort this out, without more slating and hating.
 

1. I got into SEEC doing an advanced diploma in creative media and AS Photography.
2. I had my girls with me all weekend, we had a waster with some of Matt's mates last night.
3. Matt hasn't been swined, they think it's some kind of thyrroid infection.
4. I miss him.
5. When we went out last night, Rick told me to watch where I was walking, I ignored him - Fell down a hill, tried getting up, fell over again, got up, face planted the floor, got up again and tripped over....I wasn't very sober.

:)

My baby been swined :/

Oh dears...I hope I ain't got it...

I shouldn't really take pills.
Cuz once I've took a few, I get addicted to the sensation of swallowing them.
I started off with 12 nytol.
Then 8 paracetamol.
Went to Pat's got 4 more nytol.
Came home had 3 ibuprofen.
I passed out, woke up, threw up, went for a walk.
Managed to consume a whole 230 calories in a whole day (Y).
Burned fuck loads off by going for a 3/4 hour walk, in the freezing cold rain (Y).

I'm too cool at times.

Kay.
You're gonna all think I'm some massively manic depressive that wants to die.
But fuck it. I was EXPERIMENTING.
On the interwebs it said that there were no known overdoses on herbal nytol tablets.
But that its particularly dangerous to take with alcohol.
So i took all of my remaining tablets (12)
And drank them down with a bottle of cider.
I shook for a little while and nothing.
I'm fine.
Just an experiment.

It starts off, me, jodi, rosie and chaz walking up a main road and ------ and this other guy walking down it to meet us. ------ seems to think we've still got something goin on so he comes up and hugs me and stuff then walks ahead of the girls with the other guy. Then Matt comes and meets us, him and ------ have a stare out then both reach for my hand. I instictively take Matt's and ------ gets pissed off and legs it down an alley. So I got after him to apologise and we end up in this creepy town, like its proper, proper grotty and horrible, and somehow ------  doesnt have a top on when I find him and he's covered in scars, like horrific raised white lumps with jagged edges. So I ask him what happened, and he's like "you drove me to this". So I get upset, start crying and run off, I think I go down the alley what takes me back to the main road where everyone is waiting, but I take the wrong one by accident. And go past this really gross horrible pub and there's some creep outside. He yells things at me, so I tell him to fuck off, and he chases after me. And I know in my mind that he's gonna rape me, so I run, but its a dead end. I come to an iron fence, Ii can see everyone on the main road and the creepy guy's getting closer. So I start screaming and crying. But no one hears me, the guy keeps getting closer and just as he reaches me, I realise I am actually screaming in real life and wake up to find myself yelling someones name and crying my eyes out.
The first and second time I dreamt it I was screaming Matt.
the third was Rosie.
But everytime I dream it, the man gets closer, like now I can feel his breath on my neck and I can smell him all sweaty and gross.
So I'm scared if it keeps happening I'll see him rape me and I dont want to see that.


Jake analysed it a bit for me:
"From what I make out though in this dream..Is that in this dream, You still like both ------ and matt, obviously matt more.
Could this be something to do in real life, I mean do you still like ------ a little?"

No, I don't still like him. Only as a friend.
ANd that doesn'texplain the rape, and why it keeps getting worse :(
I'm too scared to sleep anymore.

Tonight was strange. In good ways and bad ways.
Saw my girls, and it was amazing, like we'd never been apart, we drank, had pizza and a real good laugh.
Then one insignificant comment. "Claire, stop. Turn around, do a twirl....you look so healthy, unlike when you left"
It was a compliment, I know it was, and I should've been happy. But I wasn't. I liked being a skinny little wreck. I'd been trying so hard recently not to put on weight. Obviously I failed in that.
But I let it pass, didn't let it show that it hurt to know I was getting fatter by the day. Hour. Minute. Second.
We carried on our good humour, took photos, drunk more, made videos, went out for fags.
Then it went down hill.
We annoyed someone I really love, really care about.
Like mega annoyed.
And now he won't talk to me. And I know it wasn't all my fault, it was mostly the girls - even though it's harsh to pin all the blame on them.
But I don't know what to do.
I tried apologising.
But I get no response.
And it hurts to know I've played a part in hurting someone I care so much about.

Ahh.

I'm not sure why, but something doesnt feel right.
Like I've lost a part of you and I'm not sure what I've done.
I don't like it.
I love you.
Come back to me please .

I miss you :(

:)



I love LJ.

I went out today, and spent the last of my savings on new hair extensions and hair dye.
I should have used that money to pay my phone bill - oopsies :/
Ah well, Dad'll help me on that one.
But anyway.
Idk why, but new extensions made me happy.
They're longer than my other ones.
And they're mine.
I like it, it feels like a new me.
And it's strange, seeing someone's face light up when you have a new appearance is strange too.
I'm not sure whether it's good or bad.
Whether you weren't okay to begin with, or whether you've just made yourself a new character?
I like this new character, it's better than the old one.
It's more confident.
Living with my Dad has given me a new lease of life, I'm not afraid to speak my mind anymore.
At the begining of the year, I said I wanted to change, It's took about 8 months, but I'm finally getting there.

:) <3

I know I said I wasn't going to post on here anymore. But.
I needed to say one thing.


It's not going to work and you're just going to hurt yourself.



That's all, goodnight and god bless LJ x

I wonder.
Did you ever actually notice me at all?
I know I was just this pathetic little cling on, but I tried to be a friend.
I tried to be there for you.
But you have this tough exterior, you don't let anyone in and you don't let them see the real you.
I think maybe, that it's actually quite sad.

Except, the mask slipped didn't it?
It faltered slightly, and there's some things you can never fix.
The scars already taking hold.
And you'll never forget, right?

Maybe, I do understand, even if only slightly.
Maybe you're not the only one with barriers and a mask.

Did you not ever notice that when I get scared, I start shouting my mouth off?
Well, no, I don't expect you did, cuz I was never high in your priorities.

Whatever, I don't even know why I'm saying this.
You'll never realise this is for you.
And if you do you'll probably go off on one about how I'm a pathetic twat for trying to understand.
Whatever.

FYI.

I loved you.

So, we're sitting on the floor watching tv in a house that's not yet a home.
No furniture in the lounge.
Fish fingers in the oven.

Not too sure if I like this yet =/

Give it time Claire, it'll get better.

This is probably the worst feeling in the world.
It's hard the first time, to uproot yourself and leave. To get away, even if it's for all the right reasons.
But then, to get settled, to finally have the family you've always wished for.
Only to have to uproot again.
To leave all that behind.
Again.
It hurts.
And I don't even know why.
I don't know why that as I type this, I have tears running down my face. I have a lump in my throat.
And they all think I'm excited.
They all think I can't wait for this fresh start.
They really don't know me.
They really don't understand this pain that I'm desperatley trying to hide.
They don't get it.

They don't get me.